15 months 424 days until I graduate

I can't explain this feeling I have.

That's always a good way to start. Well, actually the best way to start is to begin with the end.

What do I foresee for myself by the end of the summer? That's far enough in the future for me.

By the end of the summer, I foresee most if not all of my credit card bills paid up. I see life as I know it moving more quickly than usual. I see myself adjusting and turning into the woman and filmmaker I've always wanted to be. I see myself in love with a wonderful man who for some odd reason loves me.

Now...let's back track and see how the hell I'm supposed to get there.

This summer I have a job working for an organization called Jobsthatmatter. I'll be a media coordinator for a specific group and garner support for them. I'll earn nearly 400-500 dollars a week. That alone will take care of one credit card. Thank God. I'm excited about this. And I think what will come before it will prepare me even more.

Before I even get to this job I'll be an intern at the Cannes Film Festival. How effing fantastic is that? Seriously? LIKE SERIOUSLY! I'm scared shitless though. This whole semester I've been putting off thinking of this thing. Now I'm terrified. I've got this grounding pit inside of me that keeps winding up and not releasing. It's freaking me the hell out. I'm nervous and scared that what I think will happen at this festival. and what people think will happen for me at this festival won't occur. I'm scared  that I won't get out there and make friends and make contacts and find ways to occupy myself after graduation. I'm scared no one will like my scripts. No one will see my talent. Or that my talent won't be enough to stand out.

Even more so I'm terrified that I'll be giving myself too much. I'm falling in love and I'm stupid. I've determined that only stupid foolish people fall in love. Really, think about it. Love is giving someone the power to utterly destroy you but trusting them not to do so in the first place. I love this guy. I hate to admit that but I do. He makes me feel like I'm something more than just a girl who writes and wants to make movies. He makes me feel sexy, wanted, and just more. I don't understand how to explain it. He just makes me feel so much that I can barely put it into words. It's some scary ass shit. We're two months in. About to celebrate our 2 month anniversary (not really) and I'm afraid that something is going to happen to shut that down. It makes me want to hold back all that I'm feeling. I hate it. I'm used to feeling strong. And that hasn't changed. But now I feel like a dam with a crack on the surface. All I need is one more thing to touch me and I'll break. I'm scared.

I can say that can't I? I'm fucking scared shitless.

Okay, it's time for me to step back and take a good hard look at reality. I want to be a filmmaker. I don't want to dabble in anything else I want to make films, and tell stories that mean something. 

That said, I cannot focus on anything but that. I'm shitty multitasker and this whole will he or won't he thing that seems to have taken a bite out of my semester is not fun. I don't want to pant after some guy, I don't want to be that girl that's always up someone's ass. Love/Relationships/yada yada...I can do without it if I'm doing what I want to do. And it's time that I do that. I have people that believe in me and my abilities and I'm proud to say that I want to make them not feel like they just bet on the crappiest horse on the track.

So, if everyday I have to close my eyes for at least ten minutes and will this weird emotion to disappear. Then I will. I have to be a stronger woman. So here goes my ten minutes.

....I'm being serious!

I am about a year and a half away from the day I will be propelled into the real world. I'm excited, nervous...okay, I'm scared shitless.

That's why this isn't a countdown. Somehow I don't feel adequately prepared for being launched into fending completely for myself. I do quite fine here with a sure-thing of a roof over my head and less than delicious food to eat from the caf but what if that's not enough.

I keep hearing from people that I'm going to be okay, that if anyone can make it I can. That mentality is something I can't wrap my mind around. There comes a time when you have to sit down and evaluate what you have in life. What you want or need or crave. This enables you see what could wreck you and leave you stranded.

My friend Tony, a psychology major, has a theory that everyone's well-being is like a city. It goes through seasons, disasterous crime rates. And fantastic successes.  Then, there comes possibly the biggest, most horrendous event that could ever happen to your prosperous city. A Godzilla-like creature finds his (or her in both of our cases in many instances) sneaks in and cozies up to you. They make you feel warm, happy, safe and secure. And then....they attack.

They tear up your streets, rip up your skyscrapers, trample over your apartment buildings and townhouses. After that they leave. They ravage your city and walk away like they don't live there, like they've never lived there. This doesn't just go for romantic relationships. Oh no, this is all over the place. It's a platonic familial thing as well. Family can fuck you over. They can reach inside and rip you to pieces then bake you a cake or make you some waffles later.

The difference between family and friends is that there is this undying connection with family that you can't dismiss.

With friends, there are two definate possibilities. Downgrade to acquaintances or continually be stuck together. Unfortunately I'm with the latter.  For instance, in my case I have friend in my major and friend out of it. As a film major I can only assume that each and every person I meet is competition in some way. This is where most of my "major" friends sleep and eat. Last semester, most of them were Godzilla's. They ripped and tore me down and needless to say I didn't feel much like getting out of bed in the morning.

The good thing or mostly bad thing about them is that like family, I can't get rid of them. They're in my classes and we are destined to work together until graduation and probably even after. So even if I did feel this huge dark cloud creeping over them I couldn't hide from it. No matter how much I want to.

Then come my friends who aren't in the major. I value them deeply and perhaps that's why it hurts worse when they violate the laws of my city. I trust them with my thoughts and feelings more often than I care to admit and they guard those feelings. Or at least they are supposed to. Another last semester "in-joke" if you will.

You see, last semester was the upside down, so fucked up that all you can do is laugh to keep from crying, bullshit semester that I never care to repeat. The only good thing it provided was a mirror so I could look at myself and realize that I'm not as strong as I used to be. I've slipped into this vat of weakness ( for imaginative purposes, lets call weakness Ice cream and cake) that I cannot seem to climb out of. It sucks. Let me repeat, IT SUCKS.

But I want to climb out. I want be stronger, more confident, better. I want to be a better filmmaker. I want to be a better film student.

I don't know how to do that. I feel like I'm so behind. I haven't seen as many movies as other students or at least I haven't seen the same movies. It appears to me daily that everyone was on a timeline with their love affair with film. Mine thoroughly began freshman year of college when  I discovered Darren Aronofsky's Requiem for a Dream, then followed up with Pi. When I transfered schools and arrived in my first film class everyone already knew what Film Noir was and all there was to know about the French New Wave and Kurosawa. I didn't and at first I relished in that. My creativity was untouched by the masses. I wrote what I wanted and didn't have any knowledge of films to go by so it felt more original than everyone else trying to mimic classic works.

Now, I don't know. I'm mixed up and my creativity is shaken. I know I'm a good writer. I believe in my vision as a director. Now, I have to make everyone else see, or attempt to. That thought, that final thought, leaves me scared death of failure.

Funny thing about failure is that I have 50 percent chance of not losing. That alone keeps me going.